Tired of Lying.
So yesterday i talked about what PTSD felt like. I'm sorry, just talking about it got spun up a little and I had to talk a walk and gather my composure.  One thing that I wanted to mention is the total and complete exhaustion from trying to keep it together all day long.  Now while I admit that I was a very ordinary actor in high school, I should win an Oscar for my performance in life that I put on every single day.  I am on stage and even when I talk to my veterans, I have to tell them that even though I look well does not mean that I am having a good day.  One of the expression we use in the mental health game is fake it until you make it.  I know about this because that is what I do almost every day.
Sometimes that may not be possible, so what happens?  You become the world's best liar.  I take what I am saying very seriously because I was always told that lying was a bad thing, and now I lie every day to some people.  "How you feeling today, Bob?"  "I'm doing well" is what I say.  Total BS.  I'm just hanging on to my sanity by my fingernails, but no one wants to hear that.  "Bob, this is what we are going to work on today", my therapists say.  I say, "great, let’s get to it"! What I really mean is "this is total horse crap - get me out of here now before I fall out".  You don't want to lie, you just do as a coping mechanism to get by.  You get so good at lying to others, you eventually start thinking that you can never stop lying, because you don't want others to think you are a little weird when you know, you are a lot weird.  Suddenly nothing is the same anymore and you can't tell what is real and what is not.