How and why did this happen to me? 

What did I do to cause this to happen?  These are 2 questions that I always think about.  In reality, we didn't cause this to happen to us.  Some opportunistic degenerate caused this to happen, especially in my case.  In December, 1978 I was assaulted and that is when my life was changed forever.  But being a guy, I never reported it because of the guilt and shame that was associated with it.  Instead, I found my solace in the bottom of a bottle.  Believe me when I tell you that I hate the term "drink to black out" that appears in my VA record.  I thought I had successfully repressed those feelings of guilt, shame, and anger.  That is why I never told a sole of what happened to me.  Who was I angry with?  First and foremost, I was angry with myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  How could I be so naive to put myself in that position.  I was angry at Mr. Attempted Rapist for his sick depraved mind for doing this, and I was angry with God for allowing one of his children to be violated.  I have held a lot of anger inside me for so many years.  But it manifested in different ways such as major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder among other things.  Boy, I was really suffering in so many ways, but I just wouldn't admit that there was anything wro