Rebuilding trust and intimacy.
Trauma alters the way a person sees the world, making it seem like a perpetually dangerous and frightening place.  Research of those with PTSD on intimate relationships reveals severe and pervasive effects on marital adjustment, general family functioning and the general mental health of partners.  These negative effects result in such problems as compromised parenting, family violence, divorce, sexual problems, and care giver burdens.

Male veterans with PTSD are more likely to report marital or relationship problems with poor family adjustment.  PSTD veterans and their wives have also reported a greater sense of anxiety around intimacy.  Sexual dysfunction also tends to be higher in veterans with PTSD than without.  It has been reported that diminished sexual interests contribute to decreased sexual satisfaction and adjustment.

Are we faking it?
Faking it, seeking attention, FOS (full of shit) are all names that describe people who suffer from PTSD.  Really, how can somebody who watches Law and Order SVU think that is real but somebody who actually has PTSD is faking it is beyond me.  For those of us who have felt the hot, sinking breath of an attacker why are we not worthy of your empathy? Why is it that when some person who gets attacked on the other side of the country deserves your attention when your loved one does not?  Why is it when your MST survivor is seeking treatment for his or her wounds and is looking for support now somehow seeking attention?  So, the plan is to ignore your loved one and say suck it up buttercup, quit faking it.  What gives you the right to diagnose a psychological illness as fake without even studying it, or for damn sure not have a professional license in psychology?  That kind of thinking delegitimizes the profession and for sure the victim. 

Ah yes, the victim. In addition to faking it (according to them) with are being called the victim and seeking attention through victimization.  Really?  This is the best that you can do?  You can tell me about seeking attention when you have something stuck inside you that you didn't want, or be groped by someone that you didn't want, or be harassed for just being a human being.  I think if that happened to you, you would claim victim status as well.  We have had unspeakable things done to us, of course we are a victim. Do those nay Sayers even know what the definition of victim is:  a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.  Yep, that pretty well covers it.   Please don't label us as fakers, just try to understand and love us.  We are the real deal.

What is normal? 
I'm not really sure, but I do know that this is not how I feel.    I had one fellow tell me that normal was a setting on a washing machine.  Everybody's normal is different.  When you have PTSD one thing is for certain, it will take a lot of time, effort, and meds to get us back to where we were before the attack.  Mr. Attempted Rapist was a world killer and he took away my innocence, my joy, and my zest for life.  It will make it difficult for me to ever trust being a lone with a man again.  I will never experience the warmth of a touch again without thinking of what happened long ago.  Just ask my kids if I like to be touched by strangers.

I am very fortunate that I work with the Veteran's Administration because those Ph.D.’s really know what they are talking about and how to handle awkward situations when I have a panic attack.  Many outside therapists and counselors really have no idea how to handle PTSD moods and flight or fight responses, they use the same old methods that seem to work on most people but they never take into consideration of the peril they put us in.   You certainly just can't put someone in a box and provoke them and not expect to get a reaction of fight or flight.  I know that when I was triggered last week into a very severe panic attack that required hospitalization, I was put into a similar situation right before because I was put in a box and then provoked (and that can mean many things).  This time it again leads to flight.  Please let us go when we need to go without threatening us, we are only using the coping skills that we have been taught by many pointy headed people who know PTSD.

Please be patient with us MST/PTSD surviving folks, we will have set backs, but we don't want you to give up on us.  Please be positive because we are scared of what is happening to our bodies and minds and sometimes we don't understand why this happening.  Trust me when I say this, nobody wants to feel like we do, so please cut us some slack when you can.

How to help someone who has PTSD.
Those of us who have PTSD, especially from sexual assault, are at times difficult to love and be intimate with because our symptoms are sometimes very overwhelming.   Because we change when the symptoms take over our behavior, It's not going to be the same as before and that's what we are trying to return to some sense of normalcy.  I know dealing with me isn't easy whether its at home, the gym, vacation, or at work, but just know that I am trying hard to push through.  I hate what is happening to me and my relationships just as much as my loved ones hate the moodiness, distance, isolation, and depression and anxiety they see in me.  That is why it is so important to have some loved ones be a partner in my recovery.  It's just nice to be loved and know that someone actually cares about getting you better no matter how long it takes.

PTSD can take a heavy toll on even the best relationships and it can be hard for you spouse to understand why you are less affectionate, to include a general lack of interest in sex or not being able to perform when you're in the throes of passion. This is why many male sexual trauma victims have trouble in this area of their life, because of what happened to them has been emblazoned indelibly in their psyche.  Trust me, I want to have sex, but sometimes it just doesn't work and that can make your spouse pissed. Besides the handful of pills, we take every day to manage the depression, anxiety, sleep and PTSD wreak havoc on your body.  Is this reward worth the risk?  I ask myself that question every day. But what I personally need is to be just held and cuddled and that can be very intimate with your spouse.  If we were to take a baby and withhold affection from it we'd be arrested for child neglect, but when couples neglect each other affections, that's just another day that someone is too busy to care.  Just love each other, it works.

Tired of Lying.
So yesterday i talked about what PTSD felt like. I'm sorry, just talking about it got spun up a little and I had to talk a walk and gather my composure.  One thing that I wanted to mention is the total and complete exhaustion from trying to keep it together all day long.  Now while I admit that I was a very ordinary actor in high school, I should win an Oscar for my performance in life that I put on every single day.  I am on stage and even when I talk to my veterans, I have to tell them that even though I look well does not mean that I am having a good day.  One of the expression we use in the mental health game is fake it until you make it.  I know about this because that is what I do almost every day.
Sometimes that may not be possible, so what happens?  You become the world's best liar.  I take what I am saying very seriously because I was always told that lying was a bad thing, and now I lie every day to some people.  "How you feeling today, Bob?"  "I'm doing well" is what I say.  Total BS.  I'm just hanging on to my sanity by my fingernails, but no one wants to hear that.  "Bob, this is what we are going to work on today", my therapists say.  I say, "great, let’s get to it"! What I really mean is "this is total horse crap - get me out of here now before I fall out".  You don't want to lie, you just do as a coping mechanism to get by.  You get so good at lying to others, you eventually start thinking that you can never stop lying, because you don't want others to think you are a little weird when you know, you are a lot weird.  Suddenly nothing is the same anymore and you can't tell what is real and what is not.

So, what does PTSD actually feel like?  

Boy, there is not enough time in the day to write all these things down.  But to me it's the overwhelming fear and dread that is like a wet blanket draped over you to the point that you can't even breathe.  It's the butterflies in your stomach that constantly swarm, even when you are sleeping.  On a 0-10 scale, with 10 being a full-blown panic attack (I know because I just had one that hospitalized me) it’s at a constant, never wavering 7.  It's the pounding headaches that rarely subside that sometimes takes your attention away from your stomach.  Lack of focus or brain fog is with you for periods of the day and sometimes all you can do is sit and stare.  At the end of the day you are so exhausted that all you want to do is fall into bed before you even have dinner (that’s if you can eat at all).  More later, I need to go for a walk now.

How and why did this happen to me? 

What did I do to cause this to happen?  These are 2 questions that I always think about.  In reality, we didn't cause this to happen to us.  Some opportunistic degenerate caused this to happen, especially in my case.  In December, 1978 I was assaulted and that is when my life was changed forever.  But being a guy, I never reported it because of the guilt and shame that was associated with it.  Instead, I found my solace in the bottom of a bottle.  Believe me when I tell you that I hate the term "drink to black out" that appears in my VA record.  I thought I had successfully repressed those feelings of guilt, shame, and anger.  That is why I never told a sole of what happened to me.  Who was I angry with?  First and foremost, I was angry with myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  How could I be so naive to put myself in that position.  I was angry at Mr. Attempted Rapist for his sick depraved mind for doing this, and I was angry with God for allowing one of his children to be violated.  I have held a lot of anger inside me for so many years.  But it manifested in different ways such as major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder among other things.  Boy, I was really suffering in so many ways, but I just wouldn't admit that there was anything wro